Something Beautiful Remained

Something beautiful did remain until you ripped up
You broke me.
You smashed brick after brick into my throbbing head.
You dragged me through the debris of my life.
You made me relive the horrible times
Not once, but thrice
You bleed me dry of my dreams
You sucked the life out of everything dear to me.
You defeated my goals
Made me believe they were no good.
My world is bleak just as you said it was.

Drowned by You

For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.
I read this in book a few weeks ago and it really resonated with me. I seem to always stumble across that one thing I need to lifts my spirits when they are down. As you know I reflect on things a lot. I measure and assist everything that takes place in my life. I am always questioning the importance of a situation and how it will affect my future. I don’t know if most people do that. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, because I spend too much time occupied in a future that hasn’t happened that I waste my present.
As human beings with emotions we take a lot of mess. We sacrifice ourselves for those we love. Sometimes even when they don’t deserve it. To some of my friends that is my biggest flaw. I allow people to use me. I do it so that I can earn their love… Eventually I get burned out and I explode. Lately I have been feeling myself boiling up. I have been trying to think on the beauty that remains, but I can’t anymore. I have given of myself so much. I have stripped down all my desires to be available for theirs and it has made me numb. I am going through the motions of life. I feel like time is passing right by me and I have no way to go with it. Instead it is passing me by. What does one do in such a situation? I love them, I really do… I am just losing myself in the midst of it. Should someone matter more to me in my life than myself? Is that being selfish?
The only thing left to give this person is my organs/blood. Everything else has been giving at some point in our ten year relationship. Yet sometime anytime I try to face them with this reality I end up with the short stick. I end up being the one that is ungrateful. I end up being the one that only thinks of themselves. When I should know what is at stake. It just sucks always ending up in the same cycle. To love someone so deeply and to be defenseless against their abuse. The reason why I keep putting up with it is because of the beauty that remains after the joyful moments. That residual happiness that sticks to my skin like the dew in the morning. The memories of the good times press me into the bad times and I stay there. I wait in the torment for the joy to return. I spend my time creating moments of joy to wait for. Lingering in the sadness because I am promised better after a while. I tell myself each time that it will be the last. That I can’t take being treated this way, but I have pushed my friend away. I am completely destitute and dependent. Depressions seeps in and I bury myself in words. They are my only respite.

Job, LIfe, and Age

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I got a new job about a month and a half ago and I work 40 hours a week. When I get home from work I am usually so tired that I can’t even think of anything outside of sleeping. I wish I had more time to dedicate to this, because in order for me to get through this job I need to write. The thing is I don’t have the time I used to write. I haven’t even been working on my books. I am feeling like I am drowning in a job that doesn’t allow me to be myself. If not for my family needing me to hold up my end of our family foundation I probably wouldn’t have taken the job. I know myself better, and because I know myself I know when I am not putting my entire self into something.
I battle with myself on a daily basis about staying where I am and losing myself a bit each day… Or giving up and finding something else. I know in my heart that I won’t be truly happy until I am working in my field of study… I just don’t know what I want. I talked with my mom and she thinks that I should do whatever I feel is right. She said don’t leave until I secure something else. What are the chances that I will find another job that pays this well and gives me the hours that I have. I mean I could just stick it out…
On another note I turned twenty four while I was away, and I actually enjoyed myself. I went out to eat with my family. We went to Kobe’s. If you haven’t been it’s a fun experience. I can’t believe that I am twenty four already. I have been telling people that I am twenty two the whole year. The reason that I can’t believe it is because I just expected to be more established in my life at this age. I guess I feel like I just haven’t done much with my life yet. While I know others my age that are excelling and have been for years. I have been an old soul my whole life why can’t I keep that momentum with this.

Are you TO Attached to your Character’s?

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
I follow like this page on FB called The Writer’s Circle. The other day I saw this picture and it resonated with me so well. I am totally this person. My characters are real people to me. I talk about them like I do my other friends. When you write a novel you spend a lot of time with your characters. You know them like you know yourself (if they open up to you. Some are private and only share the barest of details.) You have witness my forums with my characters. As writers we much not only talk to our characters like we would each other we must respond to them. Several books later I catch myself writing about one character and comparing their behavior to another. I think about my characters in Forbidden more than I think about close friends some time. I hope I am not the only one that does these things.
It’s just that the characters become such a strong part of you. I remember when I first meet Ivy. She was shy, quiet and hated the spotlight. She prefers to let Anna have it. That didn’t mean she didn’t want a bit of attention every now and then. After weeks, months, and years with her I know that she hides a lion underneath her skin. There is something might and powerful about her. She is strong of will. The best part is I she didn’t know it either. We found out together. Three books later I feel like Ivy is one of my good friends. There’s been a time or two when I’ve thought to myself Ivy would probably love this.
As a writer we have a lot of people floating around in our heads. They speak to us. Tell us there stories. That was an opening for my admittance to a physic ward. Anyway my love for each of my characters continues even after they stop speaking to me. Or there voice gets quitter in my head so that I can listen to someone else’s. I have been writing for one character and written lines that sound like another. In my last book series Faith’s Awakening I did that. I would write dialogue in Ivy’s personality. Faith and Ivy are very different on the surface. One is shy/reserved and the other is fierce and speaks her mind. Dig a bit deeper and you can see similarities. They both desire to help those around them though at times they allow themselves to get in there way. Even with these things in common their personalities are different enough where if Ivy said something chances are Faith would never say that. So when I found myself writing dialogue that coddled people instead of told them the truth straight up I had to retrace my steps. I needed to set my book aside and spend time with Ivy so that she could express herself without interfering with Faith’s story. Then when she was done I went back to Faith.
I said all this to say… no matter how much time passes you will always be connected to your characters. They linger around, and you think about them. Maybe I’m just too attached to my characters. Perhaps I have some weird disorder that I need to get checked. Either way I am happy to be different.

Childhood dreams

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
It’s been a while since I posted on here. A lot has happened. I have a new niece. She is the most precious little girl and I am totally in love with her. Her name is Ruth leeAnne Ward, but I call her Rue. I feel like I’m the one who had the baby since I talk about her to anyone that will listen. I have never fallen in love with someone at first sight, but she definitely stole my heart. She’s only a month and two weeks and I already want to give her the world. I will always do what I can to protect and love her. If this is what being a mom feels like I look forward to it.
Besides babysitting my beautiful niece I have been working on a new book. It’s called Warrior of Light. This is a new avenue of writing for me. The characters are of a different culture and ethnicity. So I have had to do a lot of research on that. I am also doing some pretty interesting things in the novel. For instance I had to create my own creation story. That was really fun. I’ve had to do that before for one of my Humanities classes. I think this is my most organized book to date. This is going to be my first stand-alone book. So I am having to manage getting everything I want said in one novel. That’s pretty fun.
On another fun note I have been having children books floating around in my head. I have been telling them to my niece Ruth and she doesn’t seem to complain. Almost as long as I have been writing I have wanted to do children books. That was one of the things that I loved to read as a kid and even now. It’s something so authentic (refreshing might be the better word) about them. I love the simplicity and poetic aspect of them. Some of those same children stories made me want to right and gave me courage/strength growing up.
So I was just reading a previous prof new post and it inspired me to write something. It got me thinking about dreams. He recently published a book. His name is Nathan Holic and the novella, (I’ll post a link in case you want to check out the book. I’ve mentioned him before on here. I think he’s awesome and an amazing prof.
The reason why his post inspired me is because his dream of publishing is reality now. Growing up in foster care is hard and if you don’t have some type of dream to hold onto chances are you are going to live a miserable life. It’s a depressing circle of let downs and untruths. My dreams have changed a lot since I was little. At first I wanted to be a singer. The thing is I realized that I have horrible stage fright which makes my voice quiver. I just don’t do crowds very well. Then I wanted to be a pediatrician. I use to go to the hospital a lot when I was younger because one of my foster parents use to look after a person that had to get dialysis twice a week. I would hang out in the children’s ward with them and listen to their stories or watch soap operas. Even as a kid I had a huge heart towards hurting people. I always wanted to be able to comfort the sick kids. Then I realized that hospitals deal with a lot of death and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that. A few years later I moved into a house with my eldest sister. She wrote poetry and keep a lot of poetry books. I use to read her poems and all the books she had. The key thing that the poems had in common was a since of hope they gave. I loved that feeling I had after reading and I wanted to be able to share that with other people. I tried my hand at it and realized that I enjoyed writing. Thus my dream was born. That was almost fifteen years ago. Now when you ask me what my dreams are I can tell you hands down without hesitation. They are who I am. I couldn’t detach myself from them if I wanted to.
So now I plan to push myself as I am sure all successful people do. I don’t plan to stop until I accomplish my dreams. I believe that things are only impossible if you allow them to be. It might be another fifteen years down the road, but they will happen. I have too much faith in myself and God to give up. I hope this post gives you the kick you need to keep grinding towards your goal. There is no reason to give up. There never will be, because if someone else did it then so can you. End of story. That’s all for now. See you on the internet ❤

Writer’s Block

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
This post is about writer’s block…. I want to start this off by saying that I don’t get writer’s block. I in fact do not believe in it. As one writer to another I say this to not talk you down if you feel as though it is true. I saw it because that’s how I personally feel. I want to set up a scenario and see how you feel after it. Then you can see if what I am saying holds any truth for yourself.
The reason I don’t believe in writer’s block is isn’t realistic. We as writers are pushed into situations where we have deadlines. That puts pressure on you. That can cause you to feel like you are writing because you have to not because you want to. Anytime that happens to a person it can cause you to shut down. People who paint, play an instrument, read, or even teach have the same issue. When you feel forced to get something done by a certain time it staunches your creativity. Which puts you in a box that box suffocates you into thinking you have writers block. When really all you have to do is get up from that judgmental table, push aside that judgmental piece of blank paper/empty word document, and do something else. Go eat something, take your kids out for a walk, play a video game (my decision), get lost in something else so much so that the story, poem, or script, finds you… instead of you trying to find it.
Block is defined as- an inability to remember or think of something you normally can do often caused by emotional tension. Which to me means that you aren’t necessarily “blocked” you just don’t feel like writing. SO what? If you don’t feel like writing then don’t. I have never in my life had writer’s block nor will I ever. There are times when I feel I should/need to be writing because of a deadline, but I actually feel like writing. That just means at that moment in time I just don’t have anything to say. Not that I am block. I just don’t feel like writing. Then there are times where I could go on a writing marathon. I just can’t stop. Either way I know when it’s time to write and when it’s not. During those not times I catch up on the things that I neglected during my writing binges. I hope this gets you closer to understanding why there’s no such thing as writer’s block… to me.

Writing Pattern

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
It’s been two weeks since I posted on here. I thought I would talk to you about my writing pattern and writer’s block. I want to start this post off by explaining why I haven’t posted in the last two weeks. I have some exciting news. Well exciting for me, hopefully one day this will mean more, because the books will be published. Anyway I was working on a book. I think I’ve talked about Faith’s Awakening on here. I have two blogs and occasionally I get post mixed around. However I am almost certain I’ve mentioned it on here. Faith’s Awakening is a duology I started January 2014. It’s based in the future, and mankind has been almost put to extinction because of plague, diseases, famine, any and everything has struck. In the first books Faith’s gifts are awakened and she is able to realize that she is a big part of the continuation of mankind’s existence. The second is called Rise of the Rebellion and as the tittle suggest things get pretty intense. So I was working hard to complete the first draft of the second book.
For Christmas I received a lot of journals this year. Which is great because I have a few books ideas on log that I wanted to get out. So I gave myself a deadline to get this one out of my brain so that I could start focusing on another one.
Which sort of leads me into the post for this week. When I have a book idea floating around in my brain I typically always write it down. Whatever tidbit I did get is the first glimpse into the world I have to create. So I have a journal and the first two to three pages are my table of contents. This is where I write a synopsis of each chapter. I don’t use up more than three to four lines for this. I want to just glance at it and know what the main points in the chapter are. It helps me if I need to find something quickly to reference for a later chapter. Then next page is where I put my story plot/analysis. This is where I write the plot. It’s where I get out all my thoughts about what the book should be about. Any and everything that I need to know about this new book goes on these two pages.
My next four to five pages are filled with research for the book. Right after I get an idea and write out the plot I ALWAYS make a list of things I need to know for the book. If I am writing a book about Native Americans I research customs, ceremonies, jobs, culture, appearances, homes, and clothing. I fill these pages with anything I will need to write my book. I begin to look up locations and climates for those places. All of this helps me later on when I actually begin writing the book.
The next two to three pages are list of names I might use. I am really big on names. Going back to the Native American example… I would research traditional names for their heritage. I also research names that hold meaning to the story I am telling. I love finding out what names mean. So If I am writing a book about a warrior I try to find a Native American name that means that. My names are very symbolic to me. Or I just like the way they sound.
The next two to three pages are character profiles. I write everything I need to know about my characters. I write down what they look like in my mind. I write down their personality traits. Outside of really minor characters everyone is listed in my character profile.
The next two pages are something I just recently started in Rise of the Rebellion. It’s called my prewriting thoughts. I just free write in this space to get out all my actual writing jitters. Sometimes I am so excited to start on a book that I overthink the opening instead of just diving in. I can always write it if it’s bad, but if there’s nothing then I don’t have anything to rewrite. So this place is where I get out my thoughts about why I’m so excited. Why I decided to write that particular book. It’s just a free space that I can look back and see why I started the book in the first place. It’s probably my favorite part outside of writing the actual book. After all this is done I just start writing.

Favorite Places to Write

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
This week I want to share with you my favorite places to write. This is going to be more abstract than physical places. If you haven’t noticed already I am a bit eccentric. I don’t feel as though it’s a bad thing, but it does cause people to ponder my strangeness at times. I don’t know if that’s the cause for all writer or majority of us… but if it is I will be happy about the news. If not I think being strange is a good thing so I will still be happy. I say all this to kind of justify this post.
I love writing when it’s quiet. I love being surrounded by nature. I feel called to it when I want to write. Either being outside surrounded by trees, a lake, or a sunset/sunrise or having access to it through a window. That way every time I look up from a thought I can see beauty. I can be drawn into the tranquility of it. I find peace and my mind redirects to what I was focused on in the first place. I am less likely to get distracted in such a setting. My writing is always more pure in this setting. I seem to really respect what I put on the page. I always walk away feeling at ease with life. If I am on a laptop writing I like to have a table. If I am writing in my journal I prefer to be laying down. With my cheek on the flap and my hand on the paper. It makes me feel connected to my characters. Their story is mine and mine is theirs.
The only way I can write if it’s loud is if I am listening to music through headphones. If the T.V. is on and people are talking. Or if I am in a crowded room. I like to put my headphones in to block them out. It always the noise to kind of cancel each other out. Otherwise I can’t concentrate. In this situation I like to be sitting as far as I can from the noise. That way I don’t keep looking around to see what is going on.
At my parent’s restaurant my favorite place to write was at the hostess stand. I would stand up there away from everyone else with my journal and just write. I wouldn’t let listen to the T.V. or the music playing. I would just open up my journal read the last page to get back into the story and begin writing.
My favorite place to write at home was in my room. I would lay out on my bed with my journal and just write. My room is where I would write a lot of my poetry. That was the only place where I could freely express my emotions without being judged. It was my safe haven. A space where I could just write down all the crap that I was going through. I have more spirals than I care to filled with poetry.
My favorite place to write in my sister’s apartment is at the kitchen table. She has three windows that look out to a lake. When the evening is approaching I take my seat at the table and watch the sunset over the lake. During the day as I write I watch the sun reflect off the water. It brings me a lot of comfort.
There are days when I just feel like writing. On those days I try to wake up early. I am most definitely a morning person without the aid of coffee. I actually can’t stand the stuff. I love getting up and being by myself as I decide the events of the day. Which usually included some sort of writing. If I am not working on a book. I am writing poetry, doing blog post, writing a story for class, writing a story for a magazine, helping my sister write papers. I am always writing. I don’t mind it is my love affair after all. Before the day starts officially. I have this urge. I have these eager thoughts that scream write something… please just write something…. Anything. I’ll pick up my journal and try to write, but that won’t be it for that day. Then I’ll try my hand at poetry. Not it either. I won’t feel like working on an assignment. So I’ll start typing up my book. Then inspiration strikes. I start rewrites for the book. Somehow my writing itch gets scratched. Well I got off topic again. I hope that you got a good idea of my favorite writing places.

Process of Writing

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
I have this other story that I have been working on for two years now. By working on it I mean doing it when I have time or when the mood strikes. I think it was 2013 when I got the idea from talking with my mother. We were talking about gifts, talents, visions, dreams and destiny. As the conversation progressed I got this really great idea. I wrote it down. Then left it alone for months. I was really busy with school at the time, and I think I was still working on the Forbidden Love books. When that semester was up I started working on researching concepts and ideas for the books. I always research names and places. Once my mind starts going on a story it projects the overall idea. I get a concept and I take off running.
I want to say the first book is the most difficult for me to write in a series… but honestly each book has its own challenges. The first one you have to create everything. People, backstory, relationships, a world for these things to dwell. It’s the most creative to me, because you are starting with a blank canvas. You are the single originator of this place. You have to really set down an outline for every other book with the series.
Before I write I always do research. I LOVE research. To me it is just as fun as getting the book idea. You know that excitement you feel when you discovery or come up with a fantastic idea… Well I feel that when I research for my books. I love finding names. It is like one of my favorite nerdy book writing habits. When I know what direction I want to take the book I start my name search. I look at different languages. Common names, and different era’s to find inspiration. Most of the beginning pages in my first book journals are filled with names. I have several pages for women and several for men. Half the time I only use a few of them and end up wanting something really specific when I’m actually in the story. The names are the foundation in which I start the building process for my characters. I always start off with a name before anything else. How can I identify with her/him is she/he has no identity. After the name I start getting character traits, features, ages, relationships. These things are in the beginning of my books after the basic plot (that I sometimes do not follow), and the researched names. This is my “table of contents” for the character. I always refer back to these pages to connect more with a character. To remember my first reaction to them. To determine how they have grown. How they have progressed in the story or regressed. Then I start the story. I force myself to just begin. I settle my brain down, and just begin the first sentence. I don’t care how bad it is. I just try to find a good one that draws me in. Then I write the second, third, fourth, and fifth one. I don’t stop until I have the at least the first page done. That way I have something down. I can’t walk away after that point.
Last summer was the first time I didn’t have to take classes over the summer. I actually started college on a summer term. So I usually had to go during the summer to stay on track. Anyway, last summer I began writing the first book to this series. It’s called Faith’s Awakening. I told myself that summer that I would finish writing this book before the semester started in August. It gave me three almost four months to get it done. I also wanted to have it all typed up as well. I got it done. I stayed up most night writing. I wrote in between customers at the family restaurant. I didn’t go out much. I was so determined to write the story.
I had a rough plot. One from a year and a half prior. After I started actually writing the story changed. People I thought were good weren’t. Her life wasn’t a walk in the park. People wanted things from my protagonist. Things she nor I was prepared to give. It was an all-consuming type of story. One that got a hold of you and didn’t let you go until you finished listening.
When I began my last semester at UCF in August I pushed the story aside. I told myself I just needed to focus on classes. Somehow I found myself working on Faith’s story. I would pull it up on the computer when I should have been doing homework and work on it. A lot of this craving had to do with one of my courses that semester. I was being pushed back into the story. Soon after I had combed through the first story enough to get it out of the way. The second story started talking to me. I am still working on it. I have a few chapters in.
I got really off topic here. I was planning on explaining the story and giving an excerpt… instead I found myself explaining my writing process. I hope you didn’t mind.

32703
Apopka

Guess who Poetry

Hi Fellow Bloggers,
I seem to always have a bit of trouble deciding what to write for this blog. My other one is easier, because it involves my first love when it comes to writing: Poetry. I usually just do an update post where I express myself for that week. Then I write a poem that reflects that posting. This week for instances was about following ones dreams. I do a lot more free writing on that blog than this one. What I mean is it’s based on my feelings. Instead of based on my characters. It’s the best of both worlds for me.
SO this week I was sitting down again trying to determine what would be a fun post to read if I were on the other side reading in. I thought about a few things that I will probably work on in the future as this blog involves, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do at the moment. Then I thought about bringing some poetry to this page as a fun game. I thought perhaps I could write a poem about one of the characters from the book, and then you try to determine which one it is… I hope that is as intriguing as I thought it was when I first thought of it. If not I will discontinue it.

Mild as a lion,
sweet as a cub.
Nothing’s more dangerous than betraying the ones she loves.
Meek as a cheetah,
fierce like a bee.
She brings peace
when there is unease.

Old enough to fight for love.
Young enough to lose.
Conquered by the ones that failed her.
Championed for disuse.

She is strong of heart.
Weak in will.

Love is her weapon
She uses it well.

She wants for nothing,
but still she is in need,
of the very thing that can bring her peace.