Drowned by You

For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.
I read this in book a few weeks ago and it really resonated with me. I seem to always stumble across that one thing I need to lifts my spirits when they are down. As you know I reflect on things a lot. I measure and assist everything that takes place in my life. I am always questioning the importance of a situation and how it will affect my future. I don’t know if most people do that. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, because I spend too much time occupied in a future that hasn’t happened that I waste my present.
As human beings with emotions we take a lot of mess. We sacrifice ourselves for those we love. Sometimes even when they don’t deserve it. To some of my friends that is my biggest flaw. I allow people to use me. I do it so that I can earn their love… Eventually I get burned out and I explode. Lately I have been feeling myself boiling up. I have been trying to think on the beauty that remains, but I can’t anymore. I have given of myself so much. I have stripped down all my desires to be available for theirs and it has made me numb. I am going through the motions of life. I feel like time is passing right by me and I have no way to go with it. Instead it is passing me by. What does one do in such a situation? I love them, I really do… I am just losing myself in the midst of it. Should someone matter more to me in my life than myself? Is that being selfish?
The only thing left to give this person is my organs/blood. Everything else has been giving at some point in our ten year relationship. Yet sometime anytime I try to face them with this reality I end up with the short stick. I end up being the one that is ungrateful. I end up being the one that only thinks of themselves. When I should know what is at stake. It just sucks always ending up in the same cycle. To love someone so deeply and to be defenseless against their abuse. The reason why I keep putting up with it is because of the beauty that remains after the joyful moments. That residual happiness that sticks to my skin like the dew in the morning. The memories of the good times press me into the bad times and I stay there. I wait in the torment for the joy to return. I spend my time creating moments of joy to wait for. Lingering in the sadness because I am promised better after a while. I tell myself each time that it will be the last. That I can’t take being treated this way, but I have pushed my friend away. I am completely destitute and dependent. Depressions seeps in and I bury myself in words. They are my only respite.